The Calvinist – A harmless parody

If you have not seen the original video then watch it first:

This is a parody and is done in brotherly love not out of spite (although it requires a sense of humour) and it’s not a proper theological critique (although there are a couple of my genuine concerns regarding Calvinism present).

Please try to read it slowly and in your most profound voice (as in the spirit of the video):

The Calvinist

See him on his knees,

Hear his constant pleas,

Though he knows not why:

All’s decreed by God on High!


See him in the Word,

Exegetically unperturbed,

Ephesians 1 doth state,

‘Predestined’: how is this not fate?


See him with his books:

Scouring Calvinist nooks,

Hoping they explain,

Why God appears to need our pain.


See him with his pen:

Underlining Turretin,

Annotating the Synod of Dort,

Thinking much scholastic thought.


See him in the square,

His theology laid bare.

“God loves you all without respect!”

“Unless you are the non-elect.”


See him on the street,

Everyone doth he greet.

Proudly wearing his thoughtful hat,

Was he predestined to look a prat?


See him in disputes,

Quoting Calvin’s Institutes,

The elect alone can hear,

But God is no puppeteer.


See him at his trade,

Mistakes cannot be made,

For all has been decreed,

From timeless eternity.


See him at his meal,

Never shall he squeal,

Content with God’s good grace,

Despite his uncooked plaice.


See him with his child,

Wondering all the while,

“Do I love her more…

Than the Father has in store?”


See him with his wife,

Rarely is there strife,

Despite the fact he likes her,

She won’t read any Piper!


See him stray. He groans.

‘Unconditional election’ he owns.

What is left to me?



See him in lament,

Is this inconsistent?

Yes and then proclaim,

The mystery card again.


See him worshipping,

Loudly does he sing,

That God is made great,

In making the reprobate.


See him on the shore,

No-one thinks him a bore.

Rather than a swim,

He cites a flowery acronym.


See him now asleep,

Blessed assurance keep,

Unless he is deceived,

Thinking for a time he did believe.


See him nearing death,

He whispers under bated breath:

“I really wish I’d checked…

Was I one of God’s… elect?”


About aRemonstrant'sRamblings

I graduated in philosophy of religion many years ago and have since acquired my PGCE and now teach religion, ethics and philosophy.
This entry was posted in Calvinism, Humour and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to The Calvinist – A harmless parody

  1. kangaroodort says:

    I like this a lot. Sad, but at least more appropriate to the Poem’s title: “The Calvinist.” I would tinker with one stanza:

    See him with his child
    Thinking all the while
    A horror to contemplate
    He might be reprobate

  2. kangaroodort says:

    I like the change. Much more subtle and gentle than what I wrote, yet conveying the same message. Looks like you might have made a few other changes as well. Good stuff.

  3. I wanted to laugh, but some sentences were just too true to life, eh? :^) Good stuff, brother!

  4. Martin Glynn says:

    Can I put this up on the SEA website?

  5. Pingback: Why Calvinist videos leave me wondering | aRemonstrant'sRamblings

  6. i believe your all in fun is a deluded state of your douchebaggery.
    Your intellect, a thing many should vet, to find, it only idiocy.
    The pitiful rats scurry to lift you up, unfortunate in the Lord you are only a pup.
    So easily made a fool the one who waits like a lion, consumes you and makes you his stool.
    Oh dare I use language so ruff, with your insult, should expect, hopefully you are adequately tough.

    So I sleep because its late,
    Your simpletonhood was a sweet bait.
    So I bit and left a mark,
    Maybe in your faith you might embark.
    I do not care for your accolades and pretense,
    For you can not understand the word of a man who made tents.

    • aRemonstrant'sRamblings says:

      Why thank you for personifying the stereotypical Calvinist everyone has had the misfortune of meeting. One who completely lacks any sense of humour and who feels the need to immediately retort with insults in a patronizing spirit. The irony being, of course, is that in doing so you reveal your spiritual infancy. Being right is always the greatest concern for the Calvinist never mind what a tent maker might say.

      However I’m sorry to tell you that you have not left a mark on me. The days of being bothered by Calvinists are long gone for me. But I do thank you for exemplifying why Calvinists should be taken about as seriously as a drunk Donald Trump!

      • Kenny Stein says:

        wow , whos the one resorting to insults , if you actually understood and knew in a personal way the love of the Father , I can’t see that there would ever be a ” sense of humor ” involved . but for those who do get it , it is their gain , and your loss my friend

        • aRemonstrant'sRamblings says:

          And people say Calvinists have no sense of humour! I would apologise but unfortunately I was meticulously determined to write my poem. You might like to look up irony as well Kenny. Merry Christmas all the same.

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